when things are on the up and up in my life, eventually depression rears its ugly head. succeeding in something, veronica? it seems to say. then begin self-destruction sequence! the more i pour into something i love, the harder the self-loathing mechanism kicks in shortly after. i’m not sure why this happens. maybe that’s why Little Women always hits so close to home.  i sympathize deeply with jo march, trying to find my niche in this world.

today i finally sat down to paint, and i love doing it. but something about painting only holds my interest for maybe an hour at a time before i want to pack it up and do something different. i want to write, but staring at a blank page leads me to puttering around on diy websites, which ultimately makes me want to create a bunch of other useless things.

one problem is that in all the things i really love to do i’ve been self-taught. and i’m a lousy teacher because i have a restless student. i can’t pin myself down. i often feel that if only i could narrow my focus, i could hone a specific talent. but all creatives know that choosing what medium to focus on is like being asked to kill your babies.

figuring out just what it is i should be doing may be a very long journey. right now i am a tightrope walker, teetering between jo’s restless frustration and the hope that marmie is right.

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