perfectionism, part one: paralysis

If not knowing what you want to do with the rest of your life paralyzes you so much that you don’t create at all, that’s not only settling for mediocrity but it’s also a complete waste of your uniqueness. You say no to joy any time you expect something to define your life path.

I’ve lately begun to confront a glaring truth in my life: as long as there’s a substantial obstacle or thing to be done, I can ignore everything else until that thing is taken care of. I can tell myself that I don’t need to deal with X until after Y, where X can represent anything vying for my attention, and Y can represent any of the “shoulds” in my life such as painting, finishing a book I started, vending at a craft fair, taking a class, or even writing a blog post. The biggest Y for me currently is figuring out what specific skills I should hone down in order to freelance. I keep the fact that I don’t know what to niche down and focus on like a dangling carrot perpetually in front of me, because as long as I don’t know what exactly I should be doing, I don’t have a responsibility to work specifically toward that goal. It’s a perennial excuse. As long as there’s one thing hanging over my head, I can ignore other problems in my life. It’s so silly.

The plank in my eye that prevents me from pursuing my life calling—or career, passion, or whatever you want to call it—is my indecision. The absence of a clear, unmistakable sign from the universe telling me what one thing I should be doing with my life is the excuse I keep in my pocket that allows me to wash my hands of the responsibility to show up every day and work hard at something specific outside of my day job. Being wishy-washy allows me to continue being wishy-washy. If I half-heartedly pursue several of my interests, I can just coast on a cushion of hobbies for the rest of my life. I can enjoy all of them and not feel pressured to excel at any of them, all the while feeling a pang of guilt that can never be truly ignored.

All of this is procrastination on a larger scale, which stems from perfectionism, which itself is likely an offshoot of a fear of being wrong. Many of us don’t start something because we have this perfect idea of the outcome that we’re afraid we won’t attain. We’re uncertain that we’ll be able to live up to our own standards or that we’re taking the right path.

We are so afraid of going the wrong direction that we go nowhere.

The resulting guilt from knowing in your heart that inactivity is even worse than making a mistake perpetuates the cycle of paralysis. Instead of moving forward through the mistakes that will make us better and take us in a more positive direction, we wallow in guilt and fear of failure. It’s a vicious cycle that can be broken by repeated failure, otherwise known as practice.

There will always be a voice telling you to pick something, to do better, to find purpose; and that same voice will tell you there is no purpose, that your work doesn’t matter, that you’ve chosen the wrong path, that nobody cares. You’ll be stuck in an infinite loop of self-sabotage until you learn to ignore the voice of Resistance. You quiet that negativity and doubt by showing up, even if you don’t know yet what exactly you’re showing up to do. Preparation and willingness to create invites the muse to come in and play and banish that voice that ridicules your desire to be something.

[Guilt and fear] is a vicious cycle that can be broken by repeated failure, otherwise known as practice.

It’s amazing how often we creative folk need to be reminded to just create every day. Just do something every day that you enjoy doing. That doesn’t have to define your life and you don’t have to figure out how to make that thing you enjoy into a career. In due time that may reveal itself, but in the meantime just show up and do what makes you happy.

Don’t settle for mediocrity. Being daunted by the fact that you haven’t found a box to put yourself in seems utterly ridiculous if you really think about it. If not knowing what you want to do with the rest of your life paralyzes you so much that you don’t create at all, that’s not only settling for mediocrity but it’s also a complete waste of your uniqueness.

You say no to joy anytime you expect something to define your life path. Can’t you just write because you like to write? Paint because you like to paint? Just play with some medium because you find it fun? If you want to make a thing, for heaven’s sake make that thing because it brings you joy.

Don’t try to figure out how you’re going to sell that thing or worry if people will understand that thing or if there’s a career path for making that thing. Just make the damn thing and call it good because that was where the muse called and you answered. You showed up. You showed up and made a thing and it was fun. Do it again tomorrow. Do it again for the next 363 days after that and see if you’re still holding that stick with a carrot in front of yourself.