The only difference between you and the people you’re comparing yourself to (and asking permission from) is that they’ve put themselves out there. Did they ask your permission?
I still struggle greatly with allowing myself to pursue what my gut tells me to, but a couple years ago I had a moment of great clarity: I found myself in tears because I realized that I’m always asking for permission for everything. Permission is huge for me, and I’d love to get at the psychological underpinnings of the habit to seek outside affirmation. Am I that riddled with self-doubt? I not only seek permission for things I want to do; for whatever reason I always feel the need to rationalize the things I have to do.
Recently I got hit with an insane workload at my day job (more on this later). Normally, I would feel super stressed out by this, but I find myself unusually calm. I figured it’s because it’s work that I know so well I could do it in my sleep, so breaking it up into manageable chunks and just showing up and doing it isn’t all that daunting. But the sheer volume of the work really is daunting. So what’s different? Why don’t I feel all that anxious? I think it’s that I have permission to put all of my time into the task at hand. My boss made sure I’d have time to do the job instead of being expected to do a bunch of other tasks each day. So I can walk into work with no surprises, and with the tacit agreement that everyone knows that I’m supposed to work on this one big job.
Doing what you’ve been told to do feels safe. Doing something that you want to do is scary. There’s definitely fear behind needing permission. Fear of disapproval, of failure, of looking foolish, of being alone, or of believing that your endeavors aren’t really worthwhile. But only you have the power to be you, and only you can give yourself permission to be your full self. There’s no reason you should seek someone else’s permission to be yourself. You have to be the catalyst, and you have to keep the momentum going. You can’t be authentic if you’re waiting for someone else to tell you what you should do or who you should be. So every story you write, decision you make, drawing you draw—every step you take that you gave yourself permission to take—is what gets the momentum of your success going. The more you keep going, the less you’ll care about what other people think. You will have found your path and your voice and your stride and your rhythm, and no one can tell you it’s wrong and no one can take it from you. So “you do you,” as they say, because no one else can.
Consistency is what gives you permission to call yourself something.
I still have a hard time giving myself permission to call myself an artist, even if others label me as such. I’m only beginning to come around to the idea that I can call myself a writer because I write. I get up every morning and write. It’s something I do every day. I write every day, so I’m a writer. I don’t really “do art” every single day, so I don’t feel justified calling myself that. Consistency is what gives you permission to call yourself something. You can call yourself whatever you want; it’s what you actually do that people will notice and identify you by. Who you are isn’t defined by whether or not you’re getting attention, or if somebody picked you out of a lineup of other people vying for attention, or somebody telling you that you’re good enough. You are what you consistently do. Everyone else is too worried about themselves to give you permission to be you, so don’t bother living for anyone else’s approval. Chances are, whatever it is your heart is telling you to do isn’t going to end in mass destruction. If you’re adding to the good, you’re adding to the good, even if no one praises you for it, even if no one notices.
So quit hiding behind the excuse that what you’re doing isn’t polished. Everyone’s life is a work in progress. But it doesn’t add to the good if you don’t put it out there. The only difference between you and the people you’re comparing yourself to (and asking permission from) is that they’ve put themselves out there. Did they ask your permission? Maybe you won’t change the world, but playing it safe and keeping yourself to yourself doesn’t change the world either. When you show up every day, you are showing up to the same world as everyone else, but you are showing up with your story.
When I think back and try to recall any regrets in my life, i can only think that there are many times I didn’t push myself to my full potential. I wasted time waiting for someone to tell me what to do. Any time I’ve put my authentic self forward and did what I wanted to do without permission, it has only ever been a good result. Permission is an illusion. My only regrets are when I’ve not showed up, when I haven’t fully participated in life. I own the power to show up and follow my gut when I own the fact that I’m the author of my reality. I don’t need your permission to do great things. You don’t need my permission to be excellent. You are because you do. Do your thing every day.
